Why I Don’t Follow You on Twitter

If I’m not following you on Twitter, and you think I definitely should be, make sure you’re not breaking these very simple rules of Twittequette.

 

1- You spam porn daily, including but not limited to photos.

If you’re a writer of erotica and or literary porn, it’s a different story. If you’re a writer period, I will allow a greater level of leniency on this one. I’d even go so far as to encourage clever, spicy innuendos. This one’s tricky, though. See, if you look through my feed, I know for a fact you’ll find a lot of flirting going on there. This may lead you to believe that I simply want to Tweet Screw You, You and YOU. Please believe me when I say, I don’t.

I am comfortable enough in the certainty that the people I flirt with are not psychopaths who will hunt me down, kidnap me and keep me tied to a bed in a basement. If you just come at me with shit like that, I’m going to assume that you are exactly that psycho. I might even block you, it all just depends on how persistent you are and how much patience I have left.

♪♫♪“No, I don’t want your number. No, I don’t wanna give you mine and no, I don’t want to meet you nowhere. No. I don’t want none of your time.” ♪♫♪

And if you just sang that as you read it, HMU @West1Jess. I will probably find you entertaining enough to follow you back. I’m not a total ass, really.

2- Your Twitter Feed looks like this:

Buy My Book tinyurl….blahblahblah

Thanks for following, buy my book tinyurl…blahblahblah

Have you read my book tinyurl…blahblahblah

While I may not go so far as to block you, I’m probably not going to follow you back if I don’t see at least one interaction with another Tweep in your recent feed. I’m a person. I follow other people. We all push our wares and share our stories. One of the best things about Twitter is finding these little hidden gems on various blogs. But there’s more to life than blogs, books or whatever it is you’re trying to sell. The cold, hard truth: No one likes your work as much as you do, and shoving it in their faces makes them less inclined to want to like it. (If that hurts your delicate feelings, see also: Articles on the Manly Art of Writing via ProseBeforeHoHos for tips on how to buff up your ballsy bravado.)

3- You use a Twitter validation service that sends me a direct message when I follow you. Again, I may not block you right off the bat, but my finger itches to click that button every time I see:

Thanks very much for following me! Do please check out my website at name.website.blahblahblah.com/index.html.via http://justunfollow.com/?r=dm

Hi, thanks for following, please consider also following my blah blah blah @blahblahblah -via http://justunfollow.com/?r=dm

Thank you for following. Please visit my FB page http:on.fb.meblahblahblah & my website http:www.blahblahblah.com via http://justunfollow.com/?r=dm

For whatever reason, that justunfollow.com in a direct message just turns me right off. Sorry, I know you’re trying to run a business, but I didn’t come to Twitter to shop. I came to socialize.

Now, I realize this makes me a bit of a shit, but that last one is dependent, at least to some extent, upon my mood. I may very well follow your link to Facebook, like your page with my page, and happily let you know so that you can reciprocate. Before I do though, I’m going to check out your Twitter feed, and if any of the above is going on, the message will go ignored.

4- You’re that guy.Wow, such followers. So Twitter. You have 1,000 followers tomorrow. I show you.

Uh huh, yeah. You just straight up got blocked.

If you want me to follow you, and you don’t fall into any of those categories above, Dude, HMU. But do it in a cool way.

Hint: If someone I don’t recognize favorites one of my tweets, I will check out that person’s feed. And there’s a good chance that if you and I like the same things, I’ll follow you. Really, I’m not a total ass.

If you’d like to discuss my WhyYouNoFollow Policy, I’m open. Come at me, bro!

Cheers!

– Jess